Top 10 Signs You Ain’t a Kid Anymore

Golden Girls

While saying you’re only as young as you feel sounds good, you know you’re not getting any younger. But honestly, who wants to wait for their allowance anymore unless you have a sugar daddy/mama, in which case you worked for that allowance, Cassie, so be proud. Anyway, here are the top 10 signs that you’re not getting older:

1

You’re Never Tardy for the Party

Weekdays: If an after work event starts at 6, you’re there at 5:55 wondering where the crowd is so you can “network.” No matter what you’re still leaving at 8 so you can go home, relax, eat, and be in bed by 10 pm. Don’t try to fool yourself if you get in bed at 10 but watch tv until 11, we all saw you nod off on the commercial breaks!

Weekends: If a party starts at midnight you only go if it’s on Friday or Saturday, and you’re drinking coffee shots at home to pre-game instead of tequila. When you get there you wonder when everyone got so young. All the songs you like are throwbacks and Nate Dogg is on the hook. And you’re in bed by 2!

2

Your Facebook Statuses are Employer-Friendly

Gone are the cleavage busting, drinking photos from Blackplanet (remember them?!) or even MySpace. Now you have FB statuses that reveal little, if anything, about you personally- and they are BOR-ING! Stop only checking in at restaurants or at the museum, I need to see your relationship drama unfold in a flurry of inappropriate posts and comments. But my status shall remain about the gym, not who I’m dating. I HAVE A JOB AND LIKE MY PRIVACY, DARNIT!

3

You’re a One Hitter Quitter

You’re a cheap date- no, not in the Karrine Stephans kind of way. I mean you can’t haaang anymore and get drunk after 2 drinks. The only drinking game you play is how many drinks $30 can get you, then you realize you can just stop by the state store and go home. You switch to beer after the first 30 minutes and leave the party somehow looking more sober than when you came.

4

Your Voicemail Message is Ho-Hum

While you may have music playback while we wait for you to pick up, your friends no longer have to suffer through an entire Sean Paul song before hearing the beep. And the message itself isn’t some trick to make us think you picked up, because that last job you applied to may be calling for an interview!

5

You Can’t Quit your Day Job

Remember when you worked back in school, and if they interrupted your study schedule too much then you could just quit because it was all party money anyway? Too bad you can’t live in your memories, because guess what? You got bills! Phone bills, bills for having bills (interest), and your rent/mortgage is due more than once a semester. If you do quit though, make sure you jump out a window down a slide- maybe then you’ll get a new job with your own reality show like Steve Slater!

6

You Keep Saying 30 is the new 20, or some Other Variation

The day this is true is the day when the 30 pounds you gained since graduation become the new 20. Nobody but you is wondering where you put the weight, it’s written all over your face… and your thighs…. and your gut. That wasn’t just a bad picture and no, you didn’t just gain muscle- you need more than a lunchtime walk for that!

7

You Hate Souljah Boy

Your favorite critique on music is “hip hop is dead.” When you were young, they rapped about real topics, like Adidas sneakers, partying, how their DJ was better than yours and how their mic sounded nice. Now the kids want to rap about Gucci sneakers, partying, how their woman looks better than yours, and how their rapping is better than yours. Thank God for change.

8

Gay People don’t Scare You

It’s no longer front page news when two men or women kiss, and you don’t feel a need to pray for their souls anymore. At this point, several of your friends have come out of the closet and you’re still friends (gasp!)- not because of it or in spite of it, but because that shouldn’t dictate friendship. And if no friends of yours have come out of the closet then several of them aren’t really your friends… they came out and just didn’t tell you!

9

You Stop being so Superficial when Dating

There was a time when you couldn’t date someone without a 6 pack, who was 6 foot something (men), with a fatty (women) and cute in the face. Now you realize there are more important things in life and date people with potential or who look good on paper. Guess what?! They’re jerks, too! Go get your groove back before it’s too late!

10

You Watch The Golden Girls

Enough said.