A wise man once told me: “Excuses are tools of incompetence, which leads to monuments of nothingness, and those who indulge in them are seldomly capable of anything else. Excuses”. I say this to let you know that I hate excuses. I hate when people talk around a reason for doing something. I hate the made up stories on why they don’t want to do something. You have a job, do it. I hate the Jewish prostitute that told me she won’t date Muslims because their penises are not kosher. I hate excuses. Play your part. I hate when strippers call themselves “Exotic Dancers”. No, Boo Boo you are a stripper. Exotic Dancers fall under the category of Belly Dancers, Hula dancers, and Felix Cane. You have to watch this. OMG click this link. Felix Cane! Anyway, No more excuses get it done. Here is the Hate List!
1. I hate that Billy Ocean disappeared off the face of the Earth after the song ” Get Out Of My Dreams and Into To My Car.” He had one of the meanest Jeri Curls ever.
2. I hate that Unconditional Love has terms and agreements, fine print, and clauses and loopholes. Falling in love is kind of like predatory lending. Some shit is too good t0 be true.
3. In another epic saga of the Homeless Wars, I hate the homeless man that walked up to me and asked to borrow a dollar. I said to him, ” borrow? What the hell do I look like a bank?” He just replied, ” well can I have a dollar?” I told him,”I’m sorry your punk ass loan has been denied.” He point at me the way that Ms. Ceily pointed at Mister in The Color Purple and stated, ” you are a cunt”!
4. I hate strip clubs that serve food. It seems a little unsanitary. Chicken wings and Boobs, No Thank You!
5. Staying on the topic of Strippers, I hate strippers with high self-esteem. The conversation with high self-esteem stripper goes as follows: So your father was actually involved in your life huh? And he never touched you or nothing huh? OK, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I am going to leave you now, and go indulge with that young lady who is rolling a blunt with her vagina. Take care.
6. I hate the one time that my ex girlfriend tried to sneak in the shower with me. I hate that she caught me peeing in the shower. I hate that she really scared me which prompted me to turn towards her. I hate that she received a unintended golden shower. I hate that we are not together any longer.
7. I hate women that want to know all the details from when their man cheated on them. I hate they really do not believe men when they tell them,”baby I really don’t know why I cheated.” Most men don’t know why we do it. We just do it! I hate Women’s Intuition.
8. I hate the African guy at the 7-11. I hate that he tries to pick-up any woman who walks through the door. I hate him for having the worst pick-up lines. He says to them, ” GIRL….capital letters symbolize the deep African accent…..GIRL YOU SHOULD LET ME LOVE YOU..pause..LET ME BE THE ONE TOO..pause..GIVE YOU EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANT..pause..AND NEED.”
9. I hate when I make the mistake of asking a random person; how are you? I hate that this comment can open the flood gates of unwanted conversation.
10. I hate that Buffalo Wings are not whole wings. They are cut in half and sold at double the price. This my friends is one of the world’s greatest scams. And no I did not buy them at the strip club, they are triple the price there.
Bryan Stewart is...