M.U.R.R.A.Y. Man: Bill Murray to Save Once Upon A Time In Shaolin From the Clutches of Shkreli

The top bidder of the very exclusive Wu Tang album, Once Upon A Time in Shaolin was notorious, super rich pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli. The album sold for a cool $2 million. Wu Tang fans are in an uproar because of Shkrli being the new owner.

As reported on yesterday, the top bidder of the very exclusive Wu-Tang album, Once Upon A Time in Shaolin was notorious, super rich pharmaceutical executive Martin Shkreli. The album sold for a cool $2 million. Wu-Tang fans are in an uproar because of Shkreli being the new owner. Shkreli is widely known for the controversy around his price gouging scandal of the AIDS drug Daraprim. Bloomberg Business reports that he skyrocketed the price from $13.50 to $750.00. This explains his ability to bid on the album.

A 174 page, leather-bound book of lyrics and liner notes accompanied the album and Hip Hop enthusiasts were quick to point out that there is a clause within the notes which may free the album from the clutches of Shkreli.

According to the contractual stipulations, the owner (Shkreli) is the sole person that can legally listen to the album until the year 2103. This is an 88 year clause. However, the contract contains a stipulation which is as follows: The album can be stolen back by a member of the Wu Tang Clan with Bill Murray or by Bill Murray alone. It is stated as follows:

“The buying party also agrees that at any time during the stipulated 88 year period, the seller may legally plan and attempt to execute one (1) heist or caper to steal back Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, which, if successful, would return all ownership rights to the seller. Said heist or caper can only be undertaken by currently active members of the Wu-Tang Clan and/or actor Bill Murray, with no legal repercussions.”


Wu Tang fans seem to be confident that this heist can be successful and that Bill Murray is the ideal man for the job. Here is one fans open letter to Bill Murray, submitted to USA today:

To Bill Murray, the RZA, the GZA, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghostface Killah and the Method Man, plus Masta Killah, Cappadonna, and, for the sake of it, Redman:

Hey guys. Big fan of your work.

Bill, you may not remember me, but one time we sat a couple seats apart at a Mets-Cubs game early in the 1998 season. The game remains notable to me because of the drunk guy who sat a few rows in front of us and loudly harassed every Cubs player that waited on deck. I’m certain his repeated taunts of “Sammy So-So” inspired Sammy Sosa to hit a home run that day and 63 more times that season. The drunk guy called you out, and you subtly gave him the middle finger. It was hilarious.

The Wu-Tang Clan, we have never met, but one time I saw Method Man going into my favorite wing place in Brooklyn and it validated every decision I had made in my life to that point. About half of my iTunes music library is dedicated to Wu-Tang albums, offshoot projects, and your various solo efforts. I believe Inspectah Deck’s The Movement is a chronically underrated album. I hope I live long enough to hear Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, and it is on behalf of that pursuit that I write you today.

Upon the sale of the sole copy of that album to Martin Shkreli — a weaselly little twerp most famous for jacking up the price of a drug that treats cancer and AIDS — a fake segment of the contract for its sale made the rounds on the Internet, presented as authentic. It isn’t real, and I realize that. It’s only a very funny joke. It follows:

Here’s the thing, though, Bill Murray and the Wu-Tang Clan: It’s real now. Though presumably you never considered this possibility while selling a one-of-a-kind new album to an uber-wealthy and ignoble clown, you now must realize that humanity will be best served if you team up and steal the album back so the general public can have it and enjoy it and cherish it. After all — and as a great man once said — Wu-Tang is for the children.

I write you now to offer my assistance in this endeavor. Though I have little prior experience with art heists, I have spent a heck of a lot of time thinking about them, and that should count for something. Plus, presumably this tool Shkreli, since he spent millions of dollars on a Wu-Tang album, will recognize any member of the Wu-Tang Clan or Bill Murray that arrives at his doorstep to case the place out for the robbery. That’s where I come in, guys: I was born to be a face man on an art heist. I’ve got charm for days, and this head of hair I’ve got opens doors.

Also: You may need an explosives guy to pull this off, and I can cover that, too. I love blowing stuff up. I nearly set my house on fire three separate times in college. Whatever stronghold this guy has on Once Upon a Time in Shaolin will be no match for whatever concoction I find on the Internet a few hours before we move in.

I realize that, per the stipulations laid out in the fake contract above, joining you guys in this heist would require that I join the Wu-Tang Clan. I’m willing to do that. One potential issue is that I can’t rap, but maybe you guys could use a trombone on some tracks? I’m pretty decent at the trombone. You’ve got to give me like a month to get my lips in proper shape, though. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, Wu-Tang Clan.

And Bill Murray, I know the potential benefit for you in this situation seems small, but you’re Bill Murray, and you’ve always seemed like a pretty down dude. You’ve worked well with members of the Wu-Tang Clan before, and helping them steal Once Upon a Time in Shaolinwill cement your status as a cult hero and legend. Also, you’ll get to hear me endlessly quote Ghostbusters and Caddyshack. I bet nobody has ever done that for you before! It will be funny.

In conclusion, Bill Murray and the Wu-Tang Clan, I don’t see how there’s any way this fails. The upside is we take control of Once Upon a Time in Shaolin and I get to listen to it a bunch. Eventually, we will release it to the public, for free, but not before I tell everyone how dope it is and stress how cool I am for getting to hear it, all because I played an important role in the heist responsible for its liberation.

The potential downside is we get caught, but we all know that no jury in the world will convict the Wu-Tang Clan, Bill Murray and some shmo sportswriter when the so-called “victim” in question is the guy who gouged everyone on AIDS drugs.

Get at me, fellas. I eagerly await your response.


There has been no word, so far, on a response from Bill Murray, The Wu Tang Clan or their representatives.

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