Today’s Hate List is done on behalf of all the Crackheads of the world. I do not hate Crackheads, but I do hate their behaviors. I hate the one time I chased a Crackhead through the housing project that I was working in, because he stole my power drill. If you have never done this before “Crackhead speed” is a whole nother speed. Yes I said nother. This bastard was switching gears as I got closer. Minus the fact that I am a fat bastard, but he was hauling ass. He tilted his head to the left (that was first gear), then he tilted it to the right (that was second gear), then he tilted it forward (that was third), and then finally he tilted his head back with his face pointed towards the sky( that was N!gger! you ain’t catching me gear). So as he showed me his separation speed while he was going down the hill, I trapped over a rock and proceeded down the hill, pretending to be a tumbling snowball or a Looney Tunes character that just used an Acme product. I finally came to a stop, face flat at the bottom of the hill which was a cement parking lot, I realize at that very moment I was not catching him. I hate the young drug dealers that stepped over me and stated, “you look dumb as shit n!gger”. Being that I subscribed to Bitch Ass Magazine, I got up walked away with an understanding that I am a bitch ass dude and I should have never been in this position. Here is the Hate List!
1. I hate the sticky size tags that I always forget to take off my clothes. I will be walking around all day not having a clue that the tag is still on the pants leg. Damn You! Old Navy! Damn You! Gap, Damn You, hold up I said Gap, that place stop making clothes for black people a long time ago. Skinny jeans don’t count. I hate skinny jeans. I hate people that are too damn big to wear them. I hate people who think they look good. Back to the size sticker. I hate that there is no size sticker on skinny jeans, because they are one-size fits all. FYI, men do not wear stretch jeans
2. I hate when I am walking behind someone and they stop with no regard to me walking behind them . Which then diverts my one track mindedness to stop and try to figure out a way around their wide body.
3. I hate boot-cut jeans. I can never get them passed my thighs.
4. I hate when I go to buy crack and the drug dealers never want to take my change.
5. I hate being in the closet. This damn Wi Fi, the closet is the only place I can get a signal.
6. I hate that my brother and sister taught me how to ride a bike. I hate that the bike had no brakes.
7. I hate that people don’t “Do It” anymore. I remember back in the day, people use to “Do It” to each other. Now they are to vulgar, they “F” each other. When you to Do It, there was some mystery to that. The word it was open-ended. We assumed we knew what “It” was, but “It” was not quite clear in it’s meaning. I sound like President Clinton.
8. I hate male porn stars. They have an uncanny ability that I just do not possess.
9. I hate that women wait until they almost pee on themselves before they use the bathroom.
10. I hate to see stale chocolate. Note to self, knock before going into Granddad’s bedroom.
Bryan Stewart is...