Tea & Crackers

Witch Doctor ObamaSo the NAACP, an organization that seems increasingly more irrelevant as time goes by, came out to condemn the racist elements within the various loosely organized groups commonly known as Tea Parties which espouse so-called conservative values like free markets, limited government, and lower taxes. The resolution was motivated by Tea Partiers who were protesting the passage of the Health Care bill allegedly shouting “nigger!” at some black congressmen as they walked into the Capitol Building to vote on the legislation, not to mention some of the blatantly racist signs displayed about Obama and the stream of White Supremacists which have recently joined the ranks of Tea Partiers, or my term of preference, teabaggers.

Mind you, all the NAACP was asking for, which won’t be ratified until its October meetings, was essentially for the teabaggers to check themselves before they wreck themselves. But the way the teabaggers and their supporters reacted, you would have thought the NAACP just came out and called them all lying racist shitbags. I mean, they are, mostly, but I’m saying that, not the NAACP.

Even Queen of the teabaggers, Sarah Palin came out to express how she was, “…saddened by the NAACP’s claim that patriotic Americans … are somehow racists.” It would appear that teabaggers are not only lying racists, but they’re mentally challenged, too.

As if to prove how racist they truly are, Tea Party spokesman Mark Williams was quoted as saying on CNN, in response to the resolution, “Racists have their own movement. It’s called the NAACP.” Okay, Mark Williams is a proven idiot. Before this, he is most well known as saying that Muslims worship a “monkey god.” But wait, there’s more. Mr. Williams then posted a faux letter on his blog from Ben Jealous, President of the NAACP, to Abraham Lincoln. Here’s the letter in its entirety:

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week. We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

The tea party position to “end the bailouts” for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds.

And the ridiculous idea of “reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government.” What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending.” Again, they directly target Colored People. That means we Colored People would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” That is outrageous! How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.


Precious Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, Head Colored Person

Speaking for a party that is supposedly not racist, Williams touched on a number of the racist ideas many whites have about blacks, including that blacks approve of welfare because they’re lazy, and as such, need it to live off. Of course, by extension, if we black folk can use welfare, well what’s so wrong with corporate welfare, right? Then there’s the idea that blacks don’t want to think for themselves, hence they thrive off of big, intrusive government. Williams takes a jab at Affirmative Action, put in place to counter generations of institutionalized racism. It’s so obvious, after reading this letter, that we no longer need that, either. And he tops it all off by claiming that blacks benefit from perpetually increased taxes because it helps them keep up with the white “Joneses.”

What I find ironic here is that Williams, in one fell swoop, outed the teabaggers for the racists they truly are and exhibited the flaws in their movement. I mean, at least Mel Gibson just thinks of us as niggers. Williams believes all those racist stereotypes that conservatives pass around as truth but is just a more subversive, and potentially more damaging form of racism.

I took a Sociology of Poverty class in college, and whites make up the largest number of Americans collecting welfare. Yes, a higher percentage of African Americans do collect welfare, but that’s due to being put at a disadvantage by generations of institutionalized racism. Yes, we’re still trying to catch up.

If you want to be completely honest, corporations receive the highest amount of government welfare money, and I’m not talking about the bailout that eventually has to be paid back. I’m talking about grants and tax breaks that have been doled out for decades before the economy collapsed. Yet, these teabaggers are all in favor of a free market.

You know what, maybe we shouldn’t have bailed anyone out. Maybe if these dumbasses had felt the pain of allowing an completely unregulated, free market to thrive unchecked they would know better. Of course, a whole hell of a lot more of us would be suffering, too. Maybe not. Maybe they would have just blamed us anyway.

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